Lately my heart and mind skips all over the place. I move from anger to grief to confusion to sadness to hope with a dash of creativity and a side of anxiety all at once, in no particular order. I have days when even I am struggling to figure out what I need. There are moments when I know my better half is at a complete loss as to what to say, think or do. I’m ashamed to admit this, but there are moments where out of frustration I’ve shouted, “You don’t understand how I feel!” ending with loud sobs. Then there are moments I gaze at him with love and admiration for being my raft during my overwhelming waves of grief.
This is my grief journey; it’s complicated, jumbled and very chaotic. Unfortunately, my grief does not fit into a neat little box. I have days when I’m just not okay, days when my sadness is overwhelming and paralyzing.
I lost someone of major significance in my life, someone I cannot live without, someone who not only gave me life but saved my life. Despite all the warnings, all his suffering, my father’s death still seems unreal. One minute he was alive and speaking to me, now he is not. One moment he was breathing, the next he was not. Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one. Loss is loss. Death leaves an agonizing sting on your heart.
“It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. My mom says some days are that” Judith Viorst in Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.
Love is what heals fear. Love is what calms a distressed heart. Love is what mends broken bodies and minds. Love is what we can count on. With love all things are possible.
Loving someone through grief is similar to teaching someone how to dance again, but with a slight limp. As my better half guides me with his love and witnesses my grief, he is giving me the greatest gift of all. The gift of unconditional love and the permission to continue my life with courage and valor.
Love is a gift each of us has to offer to our neighbors, friends and family.
With love and understanding all things are possible.